I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
