New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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