I have demons in me.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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