dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
