Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
