HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
