I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
