It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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