i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
