your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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