There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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