I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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