I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
