In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
