My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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