White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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