YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
