There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
