I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
