i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
