you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
3 2 1 whiskey
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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