From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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