it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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