I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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