my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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