waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
