Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
