I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
