Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
