This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
ok first of all what the fuck
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
