Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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