I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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