If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
