dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
