I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
