It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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