you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
