Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
