This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
