My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
