Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
