just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
