My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
