there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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