so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
