he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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