I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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