Ambien. No doubt about it.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
