I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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