I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
