i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
