respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
