two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
