I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
