I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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